2016 April

Depression

I feel better since the sun turns up more often, and I try to stick to my schedules and create more to keep up with the marketing. Everythign might crumble down again at some point, but hey, at least I tried.

Nothing to forgive since there is nothing to blame on the past. Everyone tried to do the right thing to their abilities at that time.

Turned out that the breathing issues haven’t been fear, it’s been so much anger it has been literally straggeling me. Now I’m learning techniques to channel, will share if I’m not too busy.

Fear can be a powerful repellant, don’t let it stop you from the things you like :(

If you let go of all the energy because it’s not worth to invest the effort it’s called depression I guess. If it’s going for one and half a decade it’s hard to do otherwhise.

Work and Art

It’s been good for me to start working in cicles. If I do have work I do that for 15 days, if not I’ll just keep giving form to my ideas. It’s always been a good thing to write down ideas and put them into a box for later consumation. Some things inside are funny, others sad, others shocking. Developing the new style has been fun for a while now. People are always so helpful, trying to help promote my work, making me put in the effort. If I felt comfortable promoting I’d be holding a job in promotion – maybe I will some day. Trying to figure out what to say instead of the depression thing to be left alone.

She’s hillarious, check her out.

2016 March

Social engineering and self help

I finally found a new topic I’m interested in. Combined with several anxiety/depression forums I thought I’d share something I’ve learned, because it seems to be important for a few people out there.

First of all, please don’t abuse social engineering for evil things. It’s serious stuff and one can create a lot of chaos and make life worse for a lot of people out there.

Roleplay

red_star

Red star, your friendly Information broker on Nar Shaddaa, all rights reserved by someone else.

Something kids do, and something I never stopped doing. Playing is for learning, roleplay is for simulating situations and learning how to handle them. At some point there was a TED talk about how gamers use thausands of hours in gaming and grinding to get good at someting and I asked myself: since I do a lot of roleplaying, maybe I can use it to learn skills.Talking to people seemed always awful, I hated smalltalk and after someone had asked all their questions silence ensued and from what I know now I was overwhelmed with the pain of silence that emanated from the other person. People don’t like silence… I don’t mind it, but I do mind the anxiety comming from the other person. So I tried to learn how to fix it which was somehow to get the other person talking.  I logged into my favorite mmorpg of that time, chose my character and went to be a bartender somewhere, the character went form bartender to information broker because all kinds of people wanted me to watch the patrons and sell them information about the characters.

But my job as a bartender was to make people talk so they would stay longer and buy more drinks. At some point I started to use these skills in the real world. Didn’t help with the anxiety itself, but it became a useful habit. I’m not afraid of people who talk to me anymore. Still I’m a very honest person. When someone asks me something I still trigger and cry. If I have a bad day, I’ll cry too. Same when I’m angry, sad or just upset. But getting information from people, making friends, and selling something now and then improved my life more than I care to admit.

If you do something compulsively, maybe you can use it for something good.

How does it work in detail?

I used Star Wars the Old Republic (referal link) which is free to play (you don’t have to pay for it). You can play a bit and decide what your character will be up to while you’re leveling. In this game it’s nesessary to reach a certain level to visit other planets. You don’t have to stick to the story they give you for your roleplay. The roleplay itself is purely textbased and there are a few rules on how to do it – google them if you’re really really interested.

shut up, this shirt looks good on me!

Your character can do a few engine bound emotes, like sitting or laying down, and you can fight in a duel and that’s it. When you go into roleplay mode you have to be at a location where other players stand or sit around and it usually goes like this:

Player 1: *Patron xy walks slowly into the bar, looking around, tensing up a little and finally comming to a halt at the counter*

You: *looks over to the newly arrived and puts down the glass he was cleaning* What can I get ya?

Player 1: Ale, cold, and I’m looking for some… entertainment…

You: rough week, hu? *walks over to the fridge, takes out a bottle and returns* Maybe you can ask Pat over there for a game of dejaric or two, but don’t bet on a ship or something. That’ll be 5 credits for the ale. *opens the bottle and hands it over to the patron. The color is green since it’s from Hutta and rumor says they use the local tapwater for this kind of drink*

What reads kind of boring is the thing that helped me overcome my fear of talking to people or not knowing what to say or how to react to what I see. Social roleplay is supposed to be a bit boring, but not so boring as to make people leave. Finding ones flow and learning how to make friends- or foes are simply consequences of this kind of training.

Why did it work better online and alone than to play with family or friends?

First of all: It’s a game. There is neither win or lose, if you’re stressed you can log out and never return. If it’s fun you can come back for more. If a character or situation doesn’t feel right you’re always free to ask for a bit of time for thinking or just doing it without asking. If your roleplay partner of the evening feels bored or upset he will leave or chat you some angry words. I find it easier to disconnect on these issues when I feel overwhelmed.

I try to stay in these situations though since I want to learn how to deal with them. Stepping back, asking for space, excusing one self and leave can be part of the training too. It’s up to you in the end.

MMORPGs are more or less anonymous. You can always create a new character, try out something different, explore the darker parts of yourself as a sith apprientice or try to find out what it feels like to be a balanced good hearted Jedi Knight.  A word od warning though: keep personal details to yourself until you trust someone – if it doesn’t feel right don’t open up. Learning how to keep yourself save is one of the top skills to learn out there.

For me it helps to dive into a fantasy world which is only in my head. I tried LARP a few times, where I jumped around on a battlefield as an undead soldier, but the fantasy only went as far as I saw another player. It helps to be able to focus what’s on the screen and in your head and nothing else. When I have people in front of me, I’m overwhelmed with reading their faces and bodies, listening to what they say and processing what I hear while looking like I understood what they said and answering at the same time, scared that I say something inappropriate or stupid.

There’s a whole pickup community out there that focuses on how to get laid. I definitely prefer the boring evening with just talking to one or two persons who don’t expect anything of me.

Other skills that might be learnable through roleplay

How to handle power or abuse of power – Sith roleplay usually ends up in chaos, people hating on each other, characters die or get abused, but the thrill of danger can be fun for a while.

How to calm oneself or learn how to discuss – Jedi roleplay. Just because you’re one of the good ones doesn’t mean you have to be nice to everyone. Setting boundaries and defend them with diplomacy can surely have its benefits.

How to keep friendships going – sometimes you’re the only one who keeps up the connection. If you don’t have a job, make keeping connections your job.

Organizing information – Find out things about characters, organize them, sell them.

Writing – if your grammar skills are weak, writing oneliners every evening for a few months will change that.

I could go on and on about this, but I make myself quit at this point because I just procrastinate on leaving the house. Be well and take care!

 

2016 February

Art of February

This was Feb. 2nd. After this one depression got hold of me, and I didn’t draw until Feb. 25 again. All rights reserved by Star Wars holder.

The urge to draw anusses, I don’t know… found it funny

same urge… interestingly, depression lost me after the first one.

Got in contact with a gallery about comic stuff, but I didn’t care enough to persue harder. So here’s some comic.

older work, finally finished the idea.

 

Experiments of February

Eating Yoghurt 2 times a day for 30 days

Anxiety seemed to get worse for a while now. I already knew that intestinal health goes seemingly hand in hand with mental health, but obviously I needed an article to go and try it.

Week one and two

Decided to start and try together with my dog. Teddy doesn’t seem to mind and happily eats the yoghurt with his normal daily food intake. A friend had died(heart attack in the park) and my dog got bitten in the same park, so the following days I had long stretches of tightness and trouble breathing properly (I’m not asthmatic… hopefully I will never be). The feeling was still there by the end of week two, but it wasn’t as intense. Teddy usually sticks to my heels most of the time, that he left me and traversed in wider circles seems a sign of less anxiousness to me.

Week three

Trouble breathing and feeling of tightness are still there but not as strong. If this is a placebo it seems to trick me wonderfully.

Depression

I stumbled upon http://traumatest.com via reddit/r/anxiety or so. And it made me think that part of the depression and and disinterest in nearly everything might come from childhood experiences – logically that’s what the site says… But: Caring about something gives power to the person who holds power over the thing you care about.

When I was younger I cared about going out, I got grounded for 30 days. After the 30 days I was completely content at beeing by myself, fuck the outside world, I don’t need it anymore.

I felt like I had no choice in the money matter, fuck it, I don’t care as long as I have food today. Hell I don’t even eat when I’m hungry because something else gets my attention right now. And this “contentment” seems to go on and on. Peopley try to make me care, by talking. On a rational level I know things are important, but on a personal level… I couldn’t care less. This thought makes me sad for some reason. Did I just trigger myself and then caught it?

Lastly, there are persons out there I don’t want to want anything from them, because nothing good comes out of it for me, right now. Wanting opens the gate for being denied, so denieing myself seems to be the way.

There’s so much paper work to be done these days… it’s okay to do only one part and save the rest for tomorrow.

Thoughts on traitors and the feeling of being fooled by someone

So, another friend asked me, if I knew the feeling of being betrayed, when someone cheated on me or talked behind my back. Maybe I do, but not in a sense that might match her experience.

My thoughts on this were something like this. There’s an incredibly small amount of people out there who will cheat you on purpose over a longer period of time. For the rest there might be a missunderstanding of the other persons nature. So you started out with this person and he or she acted a certain way around you which I think is almost always some kind of mask.

Most people are wearing a mask or identity and switch them like clothes when they meet other people or other occasions. Some people never put away the mask, some seem to put it away and show part of their true self once you show your own vulnerabilities. If that person at the starting of the relationship shows traits you don’t like you might not like her or you might learn how to take him.

If her or his actions surprise you later, you didn’t see through the masks in the process or you chose to ignore the signs when they were visible. The feeling of something being off might be your subconscious calling to you. There might be a distinction however, when you’re generally anxious about relationships. A person might feel pressured, when pushed to commitments and then abandon them.

 

2016 January

Art

since I don’t feel it matters as I’m writing this – the lazy approach to linking to my work.

Thoughts on Job application – lamentation about the “lazy” unemployed

as seen on reddit I realized thay I feel like this poor guy, just that I’ve given up much earlier than him. I filled out these job application forms on monster and what not a few times, but never got suggestions that I wanted, that I would have been qualified for or that I felt fitting for me. Anyways: if you struggle with repeating this stuff over and over I suggest you look into browser extentions to fill out most fields automatically.

I never wanted to go into marketing, doing the stupid shit some of my colleagues have to put up with now and then. And here I am, writing blog for the sake of marketing, learning how to tag my images for the sake of SEO and talking to stranges about my art to make them buy or commission some of my work. In december I was stressed out too much, so I didn’t take any jobs and only tended to my art. It was good and I did learn some comic drawing stuff.

When I went into an interview, which didn’t happen very often, I either got the job or I fucked it up. Once, I was interviewed in a company that wanted to make smartphones, and their last question was if I had one, and I said no, because I wasn’t interested in phones, I was interested in the job. Wasn’t good enough for them even if everything else we had talked was fine. The longer it took to get a job, the less likely it became for me and I stopped trying honestly at some point. I guess that’s what it feels like to be depressed, it doesn’t come from one day to another, it creeps up slowly until you sit in an interview and tears stream down your cheeks while you’re talking because your body just reakts to the pressure. And then you inflict even more pressure on yourself because you feel like you’re just a stupid woman who can’t hold her shit together and can’t stop crying in front of some stranger behind a desk.

Someone said: tears are ment to soothe the other side to stop what they’re doing. They can’t because they’re doing nothing nothing to hurt you. You’re doing it yourself, or some part of you does it to make it stop.

Today I don’t have a problem with waiting, because I just forget that I am waiting. Put out application, maybe visit them, then forget about it and apply for the next job. My time is precious, and I refuse to waste it with hope any more. If I can’t make someone else do something, I will do something for myself. Whatever you do, keep moving out there!

Backup if Link is dead x_x

Depression days

Wanting to stop doing art again. Don’t feel worthy enough. I feel like a burden to society. Maybe some of my work is good. But it’s not good enough to find a job and if I did, I’d break down from anxiety quickly. Being and working for myself seems bad and maybe as I’m writing it I’m just too exhausted and depressed to see stuff otherwise.

I got asked via email if I want to take part in an exhibition, I should prepare some art to send over to the curator and ask what is worth publishing. I just want to run away screaming and hiding in some hole, never to be drawing again. Hopefully this will pass like every other episode does.

As I thought the episode ended and I found some kind words on the internet after posting in a depression forum. If you are depressed, seek help! A day later, I answered the email and worked more for my marketing. No return so far – as always this will take time. Two weeks later, a friend purchased a piece from my etsy shop, my first sale so far.


A friend seems to be fighting depression too. He’s very iritable these days and starts fights with his online community. When asked, I told him, that I know this behaviour, and simply by taking his chaos appart and reorganizing it I made him feel bad. At least this seemed to make him think and he might seek help soon. One more saved soul maybe?

2015 December

Depression hit me in the face this month, nothing seems to matter a lot. I did do some art though and I started clicker training with my dog. Also trying to adapt more emotional style for future portrait works.

Art Stuff

I could have published some stuff in the real world art gallery but a part of me didn’t want the attention which comes with real world exposure so I overslept it. :(

 

 

Some girl I met in the city center

for squirtlecat, my secret giftee

everything looks better on women, even beards

 

scumbag earth, in yo phase!

fleeting concentration, doodling around

depersonalization, derealization – and snapping out of it sometimes

2015 November

Art

Made some Progress, these are my works of November.

Check it out in my shop

I seldom do logos these days, but this one came out nice

For a fellow sufferer who depaired about pokets in his jacket

probably going to use it for dragon wings or something like that.

Had to modify the mouth, lost the smile on the way, but learned a lot

Pets

Had my first session with my trainer, teddy is doing well, just needs a bit more secure around people and noisy places.

Local stuff

Supporting a few refugees through an art group, it’s interesting. Funny that local art groups don’t even look at their works. One said it looked like childrens arts, the other one only sells expensive art, so no exhibitions until january I guess.

2015 October

Travelling

I’m travelling finally. Paranoia followed me for about two hours, but thankfully nobody tried to murder me and my dog! We went to Wolfburg/Germany – yes it’s the city of Volkswagen, and no I didn’t drive one.

Day 1&2

Didn’t draw in my book for two days, but I did draw a bit digitally, and hopefully I will stick to it until the end of the week and will have something to show. Didn’t go so well with the dogs, but learned a bit.

Day 3

Tired and paranoid a bit. But I drew a bit. Even if I didn’t use this cloudy skyI wanted to preserve it.

Psychotic breakdown I guess. I had planned to leave home for two weeks. But I think I will return home after 5 days. Feeling sad and exhausted. Dogs collided one time, but this time only verbal which seems to be okay. But I’m still sad about it because I had thought I figured it out.

Day 4

Was sure, that family over there was watching me – ME ALONE! – I guess it will be better to leave for home, and soon. At least I know I’m making things up and that it’s not too good for me.  So the actual time I can spend away from home seems to be about 3-4 days now. Gonna keep fighting for more away time, travelling more has been my dream for a long time.

Day 5

More friends arrived and so much input pushed away the crazy-in-my-head-talk which was good. No alone time makes me tired, but it’s okay if that’s the price for staying somewhat normal.

Day 6

Wanted to travel back by car sharing, failed and went by train. Took about 10 hours to get back home, but that was okay too. I talked to a homeless person, and again it seems I understand more than I’m comfortable with about the life they’re living. A common persons life is complicated, so much more to take care of. If your only issue is, where to get the next meal or where to sleep tonight then you don’t have many other problems.

Art

Feeling lazy these days, but it might change over the course of the month. Someone asked me if I want to exhibit my art somewhere. I agreed but I will only belive it when I get there. Thinking about it makes me want to run away and hide in the basement. So obviously strong emotional response most likely connected to fear, fear of what? I don’t know yet.

When I realized what I’m doing there, I decided to drive home in a few days. Was the right decision I think.

colorized this one, pimples!

Old Mandala from 2012

Mental Health

This chapter is kind of hard, because I feel that talking about these things makes me more vulnerable to judgement by other people. I feel that if I had hope to find a job and lead a normal life, I wouldn’t write down these things. I don’t feel that there is much to lose in writing about these things, since I’m on social money and already a step too far in the direction of crazyness. But -as bad/sad as it sounds- as I discovered, luckily, I still have my ears!

Alcohol and drugs

All drugs build up tolerance FAST, and some are powerfull, don’t take them lightly! If you need just a sip to be drunk from wodka at the start of a month you will need a full bottle after just 4 weeks to get the same effect! Don’t do that to your body! Also some substances can make depression symptoms worse!

Alcohol numbs pain, not only in your body, but also emotional uproar. Sometimes emotion can be overwhelming and I find it hard to cope. Sometimes it’s way more than I feel I can take from myself which is a bit strange, because it’s all the same brain. Brain is hitting on itself and dragging itself down the drain somehow. And I hear myself scream in my head: I’m not an alcoholic! I wonder how many people use it to numb the pain and then make it habit to keep themselves numb. I don’t want to be numb all the time, just now and then.

Then there is Ibuprophen, works for women as painkiller for emotions too. It helps calming down. Alcohol and Ibu are not prescription medicines, so one can take as much as he or she wants. I’m not there yet and hopefully will never be. It helps to understand medicine or alcohol junkies though.

And then there are other substances. I found articles about magic mushrooms, weed, ketamine and MDMA Extasy which are said to be able to relieve depression and emotional blockades. If one tries, he or she should make sure it’s the drug they are paying for. Only about 20% of the chemical drugs on the street seem to be what the dealer says it is. If one decides to try these things, he or she is on his own. There are no doctors or therapists in Germany who would take the risk on these things for therapy, I guess. I do not recommend to anyone to take drugs!

Dog and outside

This is a much more happy subject. Our mental state seems to be linked to where we are and who is around us and how much excercise we get. If you suffer from mental illnesses, you should try do get a dog. Make sure you know what kind of dog you will need. He should match your energy level. If you’re depressed, you should get a low energy dog. Two to three hours walking outside really can make a difference. If your puppy starts to act annoying or pushy she most likely needs some work, you can teach her tricks and socialize her with other dogs to soak up that mental energy. It’s good for you as well!

Other people

Right now I don’t have a place near me where I want to hang around for two or three hours a day, but doing so can definetly work wonders. Being near other people takes attention away from your inner world and helps connecting to the real world.

Symptoms

I can’t recommend enough, to write a journal to keep track of your thoughts and feelings. It can be hard sometimes, and as depression rises I usually get slacky and don’t do it regularly, but looking back sometimes helps to track progress. Sometimes the mental dialogue/monologue seems to be poisoned by past experiences and you’re unaware of it until you write it down. Only by knowing about it you can learn to do something about it.

Stress can rapidly increase symptoms, watch yourself, and track if possible. I do have an app for that, but I seldom use it. Should make it mandatory, to track meltdowns and match the timing better, either to avoid them alltogether or to decide for exposure when I feel I can handle it.

 

 

2015 September

Pet stuff

The last of my rats had a stroke and might didn’t survive until the end of the month.

I found a dog who is calm and a bit shy, but mastered every challenge I put him through so far. His name is Teddy and he will be comming with me when I start travelling.

teddy

Still in training with dog portraits

Nature

Saw a grashopper with blue wings and a big green one last month. Tried to catch them to take photos, but I guess I’m too clumsy and didn’t succeed. But was a surprise and nice to watch. Also other critters, will draw them now and then!

 

Art

Didn’t do much the last few months either because I was too busy with other things or too depressed to move much. I did some sketches though and did some training with krita and mouse.

Sabertooth, but with MAEH! Which makes it a Maehbertooth. Thank you, Jucke, for inspiration (ROARH!MEH!)

Junior Agent Shiv Batash of the DSF Countersphere. Gotta work on these pimples :D

The sabertooth sheep, or in short the Maehbertooth. Not sure if that name makes any sense.

Landscape as seen in an empty coffee mug – nothing spiritual here!

scrapping around – also slightly critical to the sex sells directive in the media – also slightly critical to myself about lazyness.

Shop

And the last one was an entry to my shop on Etsy.com, a fragmented angel

Check it out, I got different variations up already and working on more!

Travelling

Took me a while to get back on my feet in cases of motivation and energy, but I will travel to Berlin/Germany this month and visit a few friends.

2015_october_Worms_Berlin

Estimated Route so far – Maybe I visit some relatives on my way back.

If you sit near the route somewhere give me a call or message me, I’ll be happy to drink a coffee with you!

 

 

 

 

May 2015

 

What else to do

So what are you going to do with your free time once you decided to earn money with your hobby? I did a lot of roleplay before trying to adopt(and failing) Kimba and getting dragged back hard by depression. But since then Roleplay lost its flair for me and now I’m just surfing the web scraping through random bits of information on reddit or hackernews, watching youtube and playing league of legends occasionally.

Pet issues

Just as I was going to look for another more fitting dog in another shelter, one of my pet rats died in my hands. She had been ill for a while and the doc said we can only wait until it’s bad enough for euthanization. That day was saturday and I had no car to bring her to the doc. Next to worst is to see her lips and tongue turn blue. But like all bad memories this one tought me something valuable. Don’t wait so long to break her neck next time. When a pet that was never comfortable beeing touched comes to you for kisses it’s time to let it go.

Like: where do I get trauma therapy and is it possible to get a therapy dog?

Following the dream

I want to wander around for a few weeks. With not much money I want to see what the road holds. Downside seems to be my paranoia which flares up as soon as I leave my home for a few days. On the other hand I have to stay and care for all the paperwork with social services and psychothings. I feel overwhelmed by the things I have to do, talking to social services and asking for help. I want to wander around unbound.

Words for symptoms

When I started this journey I was diagnosed with severe depression and adhd. When I did the first rehab, they diagnosed me with schizoid personality disorder and schizotype personality both of which are not too far away from schizophrenia. Then recently I was tested if I was able to work in different environments and they diagnosed me with ptsd. This comes from many triggers which were found when I was confronted with the environments. The one environment that didn’t trigger me was the garden work. But I’m too slow with everything I do, even if I work with great love to detail most of the time.

I’m fighting with depression a lot theses days. When I do meditation or ask myself what I should do, the answer is most of the time: kill yourself.

I know that this shouldn’t be an option, but I can’t help it. I also believe I should start hiking as soon as possible to end these thoughts. Since I don’t want to die, I just want to live another life.

Structuring – Targeting

I’d like to have more structure, but unless I say I want to drink a cup of coffee once a day in a specific location it won’t happen. So I have this Idea. I will go to denns and have my cup of coffee. And afterwards I will go to kaufland and care about paperwork and structure things. Remark 5 Months later: This Idea lasted about a day