2015 October

Travelling

I’m travelling finally. Paranoia followed me for about two hours, but thankfully nobody tried to murder me and my dog! We went to Wolfburg/Germany – yes it’s the city of Volkswagen, and no I didn’t drive one.

Day 1&2

Didn’t draw in my book for two days, but I did draw a bit digitally, and hopefully I will stick to it until the end of the week and will have something to show. Didn’t go so well with the dogs, but learned a bit.

Day 3

Tired and paranoid a bit. But I drew a bit. Even if I didn’t use this cloudy skyI wanted to preserve it.

Psychotic breakdown I guess. I had planned to leave home for two weeks. But I think I will return home after 5 days. Feeling sad and exhausted. Dogs collided one time, but this time only verbal which seems to be okay. But I’m still sad about it because I had thought I figured it out.

Day 4

Was sure, that family over there was watching me – ME ALONE! – I guess it will be better to leave for home, and soon. At least I know I’m making things up and that it’s not too good for me.  So the actual time I can spend away from home seems to be about 3-4 days now. Gonna keep fighting for more away time, travelling more has been my dream for a long time.

Day 5

More friends arrived and so much input pushed away the crazy-in-my-head-talk which was good. No alone time makes me tired, but it’s okay if that’s the price for staying somewhat normal.

Day 6

Wanted to travel back by car sharing, failed and went by train. Took about 10 hours to get back home, but that was okay too. I talked to a homeless person, and again it seems I understand more than I’m comfortable with about the life they’re living. A common persons life is complicated, so much more to take care of. If your only issue is, where to get the next meal or where to sleep tonight then you don’t have many other problems.

Art

Feeling lazy these days, but it might change over the course of the month. Someone asked me if I want to exhibit my art somewhere. I agreed but I will only belive it when I get there. Thinking about it makes me want to run away and hide in the basement. So obviously strong emotional response most likely connected to fear, fear of what? I don’t know yet.

When I realized what I’m doing there, I decided to drive home in a few days. Was the right decision I think.
colorized this one, pimples!
Old Mandala from 2012

Mental Health

This chapter is kind of hard, because I feel that talking about these things makes me more vulnerable to judgement by other people. I feel that if I had hope to find a job and lead a normal life, I wouldn’t write down these things. I don’t feel that there is much to lose in writing about these things, since I’m on social money and already a step too far in the direction of crazyness. But -as bad/sad as it sounds- as I discovered, luckily, I still have my ears!

Alcohol and drugs

All drugs build up tolerance FAST, and some are powerfull, don’t take them lightly! If you need just a sip to be drunk from wodka at the start of a month you will need a full bottle after just 4 weeks to get the same effect! Don’t do that to your body! Also some substances can make depression symptoms worse!

Alcohol numbs pain, not only in your body, but also emotional uproar. Sometimes emotion can be overwhelming and I find it hard to cope. Sometimes it’s way more than I feel I can take from myself which is a bit strange, because it’s all the same brain. Brain is hitting on itself and dragging itself down the drain somehow. And I hear myself scream in my head: I’m not an alcoholic! I wonder how many people use it to numb the pain and then make it habit to keep themselves numb. I don’t want to be numb all the time, just now and then.

Then there is Ibuprophen, works for women as painkiller for emotions too. It helps calming down. Alcohol and Ibu are not prescription medicines, so one can take as much as he or she wants. I’m not there yet and hopefully will never be. It helps to understand medicine or alcohol junkies though.

And then there are other substances. I found articles about magic mushrooms, weed, ketamine and MDMA Extasy which are said to be able to relieve depression and emotional blockades. If one tries, he or she should make sure it’s the drug they are paying for. Only about 20% of the chemical drugs on the street seem to be what the dealer says it is. If one decides to try these things, he or she is on his own. There are no doctors or therapists in Germany who would take the risk on these things for therapy, I guess. I do not recommend to anyone to take drugs!

Dog and outside

This is a much more happy subject. Our mental state seems to be linked to where we are and who is around us and how much excercise we get. If you suffer from mental illnesses, you should try do get a dog. Make sure you know what kind of dog you will need. He should match your energy level. If you’re depressed, you should get a low energy dog. Two to three hours walking outside really can make a difference. If your puppy starts to act annoying or pushy she most likely needs some work, you can teach her tricks and socialize her with other dogs to soak up that mental energy. It’s good for you as well!

Other people

Right now I don’t have a place near me where I want to hang around for two or three hours a day, but doing so can definetly work wonders. Being near other people takes attention away from your inner world and helps connecting to the real world.

Symptoms

I can’t recommend enough, to write a journal to keep track of your thoughts and feelings. It can be hard sometimes, and as depression rises I usually get slacky and don’t do it regularly, but looking back sometimes helps to track progress. Sometimes the mental dialogue/monologue seems to be poisoned by past experiences and you’re unaware of it until you write it down. Only by knowing about it you can learn to do something about it.

Stress can rapidly increase symptoms, watch yourself, and track if possible. I do have an app for that, but I seldom use it. Should make it mandatory, to track meltdowns and match the timing better, either to avoid them alltogether or to decide for exposure when I feel I can handle it.

 

 

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